Stoned
by Jessiy Landroz
Summary: focuses on an injured brother, through the eyes of the leader.. Leo Raph centirc [Death fic!][Complete]
1. Sorrow

Step One: - Sorrow -

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It stilled my heart, watching Stockman's robotic arm collide with my brother's head.

I stared in a shocked daze, rooted in horror on the spot, as I watched my brother's body fly across the room, before stopping all too suddenly, head first, slamming against the wall with a sickening crack! His body bouncing violently, hitting the floor, bouncing again and rolling over and over, before finally stopping with another sickening thud, laying motionless.

Where he lay, unmoving, I could see the pool of brilliant, ruby red blood forming, trickling from his punctured veins, spurting and spreading out on the cold, heartless marble floor, stretching out quickly, the red liquid widened it's mass, spreading hastily across the floor, almost alive, like a spilled bucket of water, sloshing everywhere, at every single direction, all at once.

Rage started burning, hate started churning, fury started blazing, and my vision started hazing.

The demon within me was instantly set free.

My feelings, the harm inflected upon a loved one, someone I swore to protect, they welled up so powerfully in my chest, swelling too rapidly, and the heat searing mightily through my veins only fed my rage, tightening my muscles, accelerating my pulse. The demon inside of me grew, larger and larger like the growing shadows dancing against a flame.

With a neck-twisting jerk, I faced my laughing foe, my ears deaf to his words, as I dashed to him, gaze glazed in red fury, eyes burning with suppressed tears, to my unnoticing foe, a mighty roar erupt from my throat, causing my lungs to tighten with the loud gust of breath, almost shrinking too fact with the lack of air, my roar, as inhuman as it sounded, and sky shattering to those who hear, I didn't care.

I pulled out my faithful twin blades, and with a move I freshly mastered, barely a few days ago, I swung them expertly, amidst my blind rage, slicing off that accursed arm of his, the wretched arm that dare lay harm to my beloved brother, and just as it disconnected the arm socket, just before it even managed to fall to the floor, I swing my faithful blades rapidly, adding more slicing and dicing movements, and watched with pure hatred, as the now tiny bit of metal fell with an echoing, multiple coin-like jingling sounds to the cold, hard floor.

As my foe staggered back, gasping, his mind acknowledging the sudden attack, he was taken by the sudden counter assault; a little late in my opinion. But soon, almost just as quickly, he recovered, whipping out something like a weapon from his other remaining, robotic arm, that hologram face of his grinning so egoistically, boasting to the point I found it to be very sickening!

I snarled in rage, my red-glazed vision blurry still, my mind swimming with so many thoughts, watching him ball his fist, punching a hole in the floor, before everything was bathed in fluorescent, blinding light.

It took a moment, awaiting the flash bomb to fade it's light away, as I felt my remaining family member shift behind me, my remaining two frightened brothers and worried father. There were words, urgent, fearful, there was panic, mourning, and I knew my rage will not make things better, so I sucked a few calming breaths, tucking my blades in place, I turned, assisting my brothers to tend to our injured sibling.

Baxter had escaped my blades for now, but I will find him, and I will make him pay!

My beloved brother, Raphael, on the other hand, had been in bed for a whole week.

His face, my beloved brother's face, Raphael, though badly bruised, the side of his head was suffering from a terrible crack, now swoon and strapped, bandaged tightly, his smooth, forest green skin was a shy shade away from black, as his head was wrapped tightly with multiple bandages, stained with patches of blush-pink and copper red.

The bandaged covered most of his head, save his eyes, snout and mouth, with his split lip and few stitches here and there.

Despite all the chaos that decorated his head, his face remained gentle, it expressed no pain whatsoever. His face was tranquil and almost emotionless in his quiet slumber, he looked so gentle and kind, so different, it amazed me how different he looked when he weren't frowning; yet it also terrified me as to his continuous sleep, threatened to never awaken, to take him away from us.

It had only been a week, since we moved here, after ever since our home had been destroyed, the Elentian lair, or stronghold, as Don prefers to say, we had sought shelter in what, now, had been completely ransacked, demolished to nothingness, scattering my beloved brothers and dear father across the city, homeless, injured, defenseless and alone.

It had been only a few days, since I managed to go across the city to find them all, retrieving them one by one, sheltering them in this abandoned pumping station, claiming residence to this forsaken place, and thankfully, so far, we still had not been discovered.

Raphael, of course, was very upset, at the loss of our past home, he blamed himself for it, that he should have stayed, to have held his ground, to fend our home and take out Karai, the offender who dare assault us in our territory, hopefully for once and for good, to rid her from our lives. I refused, and so did master Splinter, for we knew he was angry, but he insisted on going out, turning a deaf ear to our reasoning, wanting and causing havoc to those who stand in his way, hoping to attract Karai's undivided attention.

Of course, he didn't exactly get it, but that was until he accidentally came across one of Bishop's agents, supported by Baxter Stockman's new robotic body, well armed and equipped for battle. Baxter wanted us for dissection, so he assaulted us, and that is was when Raph managed to fend for himself, until our arrival, holding our ground, defending ourselves.

If only I had been more careful, if only I had been quicker, if only I have paid more attention, I would have seen Baxter Stockman in his new body, stepping out of the shadows behind me, readying his monstrous fist to literally bash my head open.

Only to have Raphael jump in the way, receiving the punch for me instead.

Don said that Raphael had gained a seriously sever concussion, probably permanent brain damage, and that he is in a deep coma; he has no knowledge of when Raphael would wake up, or even **if** he woke up, for there was a very big chance Raphael is suffering from internal bleeding, and even if his mutated genes were to tend to those wounds, we don't know if he'd come back to us, normal.

Raphael had a slim chance of survival, and it was my fault.

My brother was dying.

I'm sitting here, in the makeshift infirmary, in our new home, the pumping station, praying to god to give back my brother. The infirmary was not even an enclosed room, it was more the setup of equipment we managed to retrieve from the damaged lair, and placed together to frame the area, in which the bed and medicine cabinet would be placed.

Raphael lay peacefully still, on a simple white futon, tucked delicately under many blankets to keep his warm, hoping that he would feel more comfortable, in his over still slumber, as heart wrenching as it is, a simple white, fluffed pillow under his head, positioning his head right, as to not stop the flow of blood, if his neck was to be propped too high or too low.

With my eyes squeezed shut tight, my hands clasped together, fingers digging into the flesh, latching tightly to my fist, pressing my fist to my temple, my elbows digging into the flesh of my thighs, a little over my knees. I sat on a simple, humble, wooden chair we've retrieved from the old lair's kitchen, trying desperately to calm myself, to calm my frightened, racing heart.

And I prayed.

_I want my brother back, God! Please, don't do this to me! I know it's selfish, but please, you can take me instead, but don't take him, please! I didn't leave my home and family for two months, just to come back and see one of them die before my very eyes! Please! _

"Leo?" a voice spoke from behind me, soft, concerned and gentle, "Dude, it's getting late, get some sleep, I'll take watch."

I turned around to face Mikey, his skin pale and weary, he was still weary from lack of sleep, not to mention the meager food supplies, his legs aren't as strong as they used to be, "I'm fine." I murmured.

"No, you're not!" he argued, grumping slightly, putting a hand on my shoulder, "You've been up for over two days! I don't remember seeing you sleep," he squeezed my shoulder gently, his voice softened into that concerned, pleading tone once more, "I'll look after Raph, if- _when_ he wakes up, I'll call you, I promise!" he smiled weakly.

I gave a negative shake, refusing to leave, "I'm not leaving," I spoke, voicing my thoughts, "and you can't make me." I bit back a hiss.

He sighed, his hand slid off my shoulder giving my shell a tender pat, "Yeah, I'd like to hear you say that to Sensei."

I huffed, a smile curved on my lips, "I wouldn't go that far." I smiled weakly.

At that, he chuckled, "Yeah, I figured you'd say that."

I sighed, unclenching my fists, and it stung, the bruised skin that was pressed under my nails, but I ignored it, for the pain in my heart was far too great, compared to the meager tingling on my hand.

I knew that I had to keep faith, that my brother will be alright, that he wont die and leave us behind, but the wetness that started behind my eyes, bitter, hot and salty, when I refused to let them out, they started down my snout, pleading for release, and I found myself swallowing sniffling, and rubbing the wetness away, sucking pained breathes, trying to calm my throbbing heart.

Startlingly, I completely forgot Mike was there, not until his caring arms wrapped gently around my head, tugging me closer, tucking my head between the curve of his shoulders, pressing my head to his chest, and I blinked, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart. I froze for a moment, trying to understand his gesture, but once realization hit me, it was enough for my walls to break.

Although I did my best, to keep my cooling body from trembling, my hands gingerly shaky, wrapping around Mike's midsection, tightening the hold, pressing myself into him, seeking just a little more comfort, he moved a hand, delicately and lovingly, caressing my head. That didn't stop the hot river of tears from escaping me from under my eyelids, soaking my blue mask, gathering up into a small stream, some tears slid down my face, down my cheeks and were dripping from my chin, while others slid down Mike's plastron, before hitting the floor.

He was standing next to me, his hefty arms circling my upper body into a tight, affectionate, brotherly embrace, and I released a whimpering breath, but it only resulted in brining down the rest of my walls, I was reduced to a sobbing heap. In response to my low whimpering, I gripped tighter to the sides of his shell, burying my face in his plastron, and Mike tugged just a little, and I slid off the chair, we settled on the floor, next to Raph's bedding, my upper body slowly crashing in his lap, where he sat with his legs bucked under him.

I can't stand it, I can't believe I've spent two long, agonizing months with the Ancient one, and barely on the first battle with my brothers, since my return, I already goofed up, resulting the near-death of one of them!

What have I gained from my travel? Was it not to gain more knowledge, to improve myself and my abilities, to protect them?

If so, then why had I failed so miserably? It doesn't make any sense!

"Leo, don't blame yourself." Mike whispered gently, one hand caressing my head, and the other placed on my shoulder, going up and down, rubbing softly, "I'm sure Raph will be okay, it's not your fault." He continued.

I swallowed, desperately wanting to compose myself; my eyes a mere slit, more tears slipped out, making my vision blurry and swimming, unclear, and I had to squeeze my eyelids shut, to stop the wetness from flowing, from overpowering me and my emotions. I just laid there, half sitting, half laid on the cold, hard floor, my upper body half curled on Mike's lap, my head pressed to his plastron, his arms holding me close, securely, and guilty pain blistering through my chest, making me feel very uncomfortable.

"But- it **is** my fault." I croaked weakly, swallowing again, "Two months, I trained and worked my best, only to come back home, and fail on the very first group battle since my return." I frowned, clutching tighter to Mike's shell, pulling myself closer, pressing against him, not thinking if it hurt him, "What good was my training, if Raph is to die?"

"Leo," Mike whispered, his voice thoughtful and gentle to my ears, though lecturing, "tell me, what have you learn in your travel, what have you gained from the training with the ancient one?" he questioned.

I opened my eyes, sensing that the tears were on hold for a moment; I lay still, holding him, and being held, I sniffled, composing my thoughts, "I learned many things, and among those things was the unsteadiness of change in everyday life." I began, swallowing the lump in my throat, "Things happen for a reason, and sometimes, no matter how prepared we are, we can not prevent them form happening, that they are inevitable."

I could sense him smiling, if only a little, "Things change, and like you said before: 'One must flow with change.' So please, stop kicking yourself." He pleaded, "Raph knew that- you were probably rusty in group battle, you've been alone too long, and that's why he kept an eye on you, ever since the battle started." He explained, his hand caressing my head, massaging my scalp.

"He had?" I asked tiredly, a little bit confused.

"Yeah, he kinda felt that you were still on edge, maybe a little rusty, with the three of us being there, and knowing you, your attention was divided between fighting and keeping us safe, so it was only natural that you wouldn't have noticed Stockman, coming out like a nightmare from the depths of darkness," he joked weakly, "Raph had to warn you, but he knew there was no time, that why he jumped in, head first."

"It's just- I feel so guilty." I murmured, slipping into sleep, I was so exhausted.

"You're just tired," he replied, stroking my head, "get some rest, you'll be fine in the morning."

I nodded against his plastron, eyes clamped shut, but hands still latching to the sides of his shell, "Mikey?"

"Yeah?" he breathed softly, his hands clasping the sides of my head gently.

"Thank you." I smiled, just a bit.

"Don't mention it, bro." he chuckled.

Mikey, he had always been the one doing his best to cheer others, when they're feeling down, sad and depressed, even if he's battling his own feelings, his uneasiness and fears. I know I should have been stronger than this, it was supposed to be me comforting him, telling him Raph will be alright, that everything will be alright, that things will workout somehow.

But, I guess- I guess I knew I couldn't have done it right.

I knew the pain was too great, that I would not be able to come to accept what had happened to my beloved, hardheaded, yet gentle, caring brother, and I allowed Mike to be there for me, to comfort his broken leader.

I'm supposed to be the strong, almost heartless leader, to not let my kindness sway me away from doing the correct thing, to let my mind balance the satiation, to follow the right choice, not follow my heart, and befall incorrect, harming my family and myself in result. But that was the brother they all scorned and hated, they mentally shunned me, they rejected me, when I blocked out my feelings, hardening myself, curling tightly into a shell I've built around myself, they hated that other side of me, they resented it, and I understand how they must have felt.

'_What's gotten into you? You used to be better than that!_'

'_Are you mad? You didn't have to go that far!_'

'_Leo! Stop it! That's enough! You'll kill him!_'

'_Hey! I've had it with that attitude, Leo!_'

'_Enough! I don't wan to hear anymore!_'

'_One more time, Leo!_ _Just one more time, and I swear I'm gonna- !_'

There was one phrase, that Donny once spat at me, that lingered in my head, throughout my travels across Japan, and even during my stay with the ancient one, and it strung, I couldn't keep it out of my head, because it hurt, and it hurt very deeply.

'_You Are **Not** My brother! My brother would **never** treat us like trash!_' he howled in my face, tears streaming down his mask-less face, teeth grit and fists clinched, holding himself, suppressing the urge to punch me right on the snout. I remember, I remember I froze in shock, bewildered at my usually calm brother's fuming rage, watching him twirl, leaving me in his bitter wake.

Sometimes, I wish if I could turn back time, a time when we never had to suffer such things.

But without these trials in life, then how are we to experience life, to grow up stronger?

I don't know, I just wish if I knew.

Xxxxxxxxxx

A/N: my first death fic. Part one of six, or maybe seven. Leo centric, but focuses on Raph.


	2. Dreams of Nightmares

Part Two: - Dreams of Nightmares -

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I don't think much about the logical explanation of things, that's Donny's job, but sometimes, it just rakes my brain.

When I meditate, do the things I see- are they considered dreams, or hazy thoughts, expertly woven together into my subconscious?

I remember I laid still, warmth enveloping me, and I felt relaxed physically, yet wearily emotionally. I was still very worried about my brother, afraid that I will lose him, sooner if not later, and somehow, remembering that he had not woken up yet, increased my anxiety. I knew that, in God's will, he will wake up in due time, if it's destined for him to stay among the living, that this is a test of patience, and I do hope Raph would hurry and wake up, because I cant think of how empty my life will be without him around.

I don't like sitting around with nothing to do, just watching him lay there, breathing.

I think, that's when it first started, or maybe it was when my imagination started, as I lay motionless, my head resting on a soft, yet hard pillow; I suspect I'm laying my head on Mike's lap, it explains why it's so warm.

There was giggling, the soft giggling of a child, and I opened my eyes.

Surrounded by darkness, I stiffened, uneasy and cautious at the change of surroundings, but then, little by little, things started becoming more pronounced, more detailed and clearer. It appears that, I was dream walking in my subconscious.

To my surprise, I saw myself sitting on a futon, a blanket wrinkled on my lap, and I wondered when I had gotten up. I paused, gazing around my new surroundings, and to my shock, I saw my bedding, positioned in the old lair.

It was the old lair, the one I've spent most of my childhood in, with my dear brothers and father.

For a brief moment I was confused, until the giggling returned. It almost sounded like them childish, innocent giggling, like those giggles you'd hear in children commercials, but this one sounded honest, very happy and highly bemused, and it made me wonder.

Getting out of bed, I furrowed, confused; my body felt- weightless, almost as if it carried no mass, like a feather, or- perhaps, like the wind? It felt like there was no body, just a ghostly figure of some sort.

I look at my hands, and saw that they were weaving like a mirage, not exactly transparent, before they become solid and real.

The giggling returned, and I furrowed. I looked up, and across the old lair, startled at the fact that- there was not a thing out of place, it looked just fine, like how it had always been, long before Stockman's mousers had eaten their way through the walls and support beams. The floor was clean, the lights were on, and everything was neatly in place.

There was the giggling once more.

I twirled around, and froze.

There was a tiny turtle tot sitting on the short legged coffee table, barely more than seven or eight years of age, swinging his somewhat-chubby legs childishly, cutely and sweetly, he was grinning widely at me, his cheeks tight with the grin on his face, as he squared his shoulders a little, giggling happily again, trying to suppress his laughter, if only a little, but wit no success; his brilliant, bright, chocolate brown eyes were slightly hazed in honey, golden brown, a glint of pure innocence was shining through them.

I would have sworn it was Mikey, if only it had not been for the brightly colored, red mask tied on his head.

Everything was oddly in a shade of yellowish orange, almost as if it were a picture from those old movies, the colors were faded, sun burned, they were darker, almost dusty, and some corners of the room were shadowed, lingering in blackness. Except for me, I still carried my natural colors of blue and bright green, my presence somewhat clashed the discolored, faded atmosphere of this room.

The blackness was like patches, holes scattered in a few places. How strange.

I realized, right at that moment, the black patches were scattered in a few unlikely spots, spots I could not remember what was there, or what it had once looked like. This place, I think- it was a scene from my memory, and the black spots were the things I could not remember, they were the gapping holes, indicating that I had no memory of the said black, missing spot.

Raph giggled again, hopping off the table, landing harmlessly and gracefully on his two feet, arms outstretched, as if balancing himself, he then dropped them to his side, still grinning happily, before he sealed his lips, covering his previous, toothy grin.

I watched him for a moment, rooted to the spot, I realized that the bed below me was gone, and I was suddenly standing in the living room.

The child, my brother, his happy face calmed down into what I would- disturbingly- call a serious expression, it's a face that does not fit with a child; but I pushed the idea away, when he reached out his hands to me, his tiny hands, with his tiny stubby, baby fingers spread out, a silent request for me to take his hand, and I, for a very long moment, hesitated.

His expression shifted slightly to sadness, as his hands slowly and hesitantly started dropping back to his side, his spread out fingers curled, balling into a fist. I refused to move, I just eyed him wearily, before he lifted both his hands again, a pleading look in his glassy, sad eyes, he didn't move from his spot, he just gestured with his arms, looking like a child, begging his parent for a shoulder ride, or to be carried.

I weren't sure what to think, after all, this is a tiny Raphael we're talking about, and Raph had never been the one asking for attention. I frowned in thought; then again, this is only a child, so maybe, psychologically, he was different back then?

It took me a moment, before my legs did as requested, hesitantly and cautiously moving, shuffling silently over the floor. It felt as if I were walking on water, there was a cold, feather-light sensation tingling in my toes and the soles of my feet, but I ignored them, when the child's lips revealed that merry, adorable little grin, a twinkle shined in his eyes again as I drew closer.

I hid a smirk, wondering if Raph had always looked this adorable when little. '_If so, then he sure would have taken over Mike's post as the cutest._' I let my lips draw away from my teeth and I grinned slightly.

I stood right in front of him, there was barely a foot or two between us, and it amazed me just- how big his grin was, and how happy he appeared, he was just so freakin' _adorable!_

I grinned wider in bemusement, when I clasped my hands on his sides, pulling him up, harmlessly tossing him into a little up the air, and then having him land into the curve of my arms. Surprisingly, he squealed joyously at the air tossing motion, giggling and laughing again a little louder, his tiny arms wrapped around my neck, he pressed his tiny snout against the side of my head, happy in a fit of giggles again.

It felt weird, in a comfortable kind of way, having a tiny Raphael in my arms, giggling and laughing so innocently, and when his tiny snout pressed against the side of my face, his tiny lips kissing my cheek, I was startled.

Logically, it was impossible, so I knew I must be in a dream or something.

A rather realistic dream; to say the least.

I felt his warmth, in my arms, I heard his giggling, jingling like silver bells into my ears, and I couldn't hide my smile, he was just so darn adorable! His cuteness could best Mike's any day of the week!

I felt a strange, bubbling notion inside of my, and I liked it, it was very warm, it felt like- well, you know the sensation you get, after a long day at work, or a battle, whichever comes first, when you come back home sore, grouchy and tired, you step into the shower, all your worries are washed away, the minute the hot water starts running down your body? Yeah, it was something pretty much like that.

After a moment, the giggling stopped, and I felt his hot breath against my throat, so I figured he needed to breath.

I felt the tiny snout nuzzle my neck, slowly, almost sleepily, it felt- comforting, very comfortable, I liked it. I nuzzled him, and he emit a tiny squeal, his tiny hands touching about my neck and collar bone, giggling shyly, before he slowly, if not timidly, pushed himself sitting up, nestled in my arms. He peered up at me cutely, his brown, honey-golden tinted eyes peered out at me, and I smiled.

The bubbling sensation strengthened, it thickened, growing more obvious in my chest, spreading across my ribcage, and I grinned wider. I nuzzled his forehead, before pressing my lips gently on his temple, kissing. In response, he giggled once more time, his eyes squeezed tight as his grin threatened to split his plumping cheeks in half; his cheeks had oddly colored slightly, expressing his feelings out loud to me.

Somehow, I felt were no words needed, and I think this tiny child already knew, that's why he never spoke out to me. His body language and simple, childish gestures were enough to inform me of what he wanted to say.

I moved a hand, balancing him on one arm, curled and pressed gently against my plastron, my free hand now reached up to cup his cheek, and his smile widened, when we nuzzled, snout to snout. His tiny hands cupped my cheeks, and then slid down and his arms curled around my neck, as he tucked his head under my chin, happily smiling.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment, cuddling him in my arms.

After a moment, the silence that settled was disturbed, as he slowly pushed up, eyeing me quietly, a sweet little smile on his face, he wriggled his feet, and I understood the motion, and let him down. Once on his feet, he never gave me the chance to stand upright again, because he gripped my hand, or a finger actually, with his tiny palms, grinning widely, tugging as urgently as a child could, trying to lead me elsewhere.

I smiled, a little confused, hunched up, and allowed him to lead me away.

I was a little more confused when he guided me towards the bedroom.

He stood still for a moment, before releasing my hand, he gave me a weary look, before venturing ahead of me, and I frowned a bit. He had walked into a shadowed spot in the room, probably a corner or such I did not remember, but I could tell from his movement, he was trying to prey something off the wall, or at least, I think it's the wall. He squatted down and fidgeted with something, and I wondered if I ought to help him, but before I could, he got up, holding a little brick in his hands, he then gestured to the tiny opening he made, and I took a peek.

I was startled to see four notebooks in there, and on top of them, was a paper crane and a short pencil.

I blinked and frowned, a little confused.

I was even more confused when I turned to look at him, because all too suddenly, he had grown older, looking a little something between eleven and thirteen. He, now, had the elbow and kneepads on, and the innocent glint in his eyes was gone, he was slightly frowning, looking a bit upset, yet looking more familiar with his adult personality.

He placed the brick on the floor, and then reached into the hole in the wall, retrieving the notebooks, pencil and paper crane, but there was a rather guilty and ashamed scowl on his face, as if he weren't pleased with these items. He turned to look at me again, and then extended the books, horizontally so the crane won't fall off, timidly offering them to me, and I reluctantly accepted.

I blinked at the tiny crane, it reminded me of the glossed one Donny had on his workbench, one of the very few things that had survived the lair's destruction by a miracle! Don even claimed that thing was defiantly a sign of good luck, because he also claimed that it, amazingly, had survived the old lair's destruction as well, when the mousers tore our old home down.

I wondered if Raph was the one who made it.

Raph had always been the best with crafting, so I really wouldn't be surprised, origami had been one of his pastime hobbies when we were little, even if Sensei did lecture him, telling him that as lovely as it was, it was sometimes a waste of valuable paper.

I released a breath that felt awful tight in my cooling lungs, I didn't like it. Glancing at the young turtle in front of me, I took note his expression had somewhat hardened, making him look older than he seemed.

I didn't like it, even if it did resemble the Raphael I knew.

Hesitantly, I settled on the cool, concert floor, picked up the crane, and then looked at him with a smile. He perked a bit, before setting on the floor opposite of me, a moment passed, before he reached out both arms, his hands side by side, as if expecting a treat, and I understood the gesture. I placed the paper crane in his hands, and he smiled, almost sadly, nodding his head.

I glanced back at the four notebooks, but before I could even start reading, I felt something like a dizzy spell come over me, so I squeezed my eyes shut, I put the books on the floor to hold my head, waiting for a moment as a wave of nausea passed by. Seconds ticked by, before I opened my eyes again, and I stared, still sitting on the ground, but no longer in our bedroom.

I was at the Elentian lair, the stronghold, sitting on Raph's bedroom floor.

He was fifteen years old now, but he only had his equipment and weapons on, but no mask.

Raph was sitting on his workout bench, his mask clutched in one hand, and a single lightweight barbell in the other, moving it up and down, and I watched in mild interest as his arm muscles flattened and bulged with his workout. I blinked once, eyeing him wearily, and he spared me a strange, sad smile. What startled me the most, was the fact that there was no shine or luster in his eyes, they were just a pair of dark brown pupils.

Putting down the weight, he got up, pushing himself slowly, with an audible grunt, off the workbench, he strolled casually towards his hammock, and to my surprised, he pressed his hand on a certain odd-colored brick, and the one below it popped part way out, he gripped the lower brick and pulled it all the way out, revealing yet another safe-like opening, except this one only had one notebook, a newly sharpened pencil and two paper cranes.

He put the brick down and took out the notebook, careful so the cranes won't slide off.

He turned to me, and I froze.

Though on his face was the softest, kindhearted sweetest smile I have ever seen him produce, I also saw a single tear trickle down one side of his face, rich and drizzling it's heavy way down across his cheek, dangling lazily at the tip of his chin, before releasing the skin, dropping down and hitting the floor with the faintest pat, disturbing the dust that gathered there, causing it to go up, if only faintly, forming into a small cloud.

What scared me the most about that tear drop, it was not crystal clear, it was ruby red!

He walked towards me, he placed the notebook on the floor, then put the crane and mask on top of it, before settling in front of me, that sad smile still curved at the corners of his mouth.

I looked at him, and fear gripped my heart.

He smiled, just a little wider, more tears trickled down and he nodded.

I looked down at the notebook, and like before, I picked them up, eyeing the two paper cranes for a moment, before a sense of nostalgia washed over me again, and when I looked at him, he reached out one hand, and I swallowed.

I placed the two cranes in his hand, and he nodded, smiling just a little wider.

Again, I picked up the notebook, but as I skimmed through, a wave of nausea washed over me, and everything was black.

It was utter and complete silence, swallowed and surrounded my sheer, pitch blackness.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N Hmm…


	3. Search

Part Three: - Search –

----------

What frightened me the most, at that time, was that- when I flashed my eyes wide open, I realized I was wide awake.

Right in front of me, was Raphael, head bandaged and body motionless.

I blinked once, twice, and then hesitated; not wanting to push myself up just yet, the nausea was thick, twisting and twirling like a wild tornado in the pit of my stomach. I was shivering, I didn't feel so good.

When I tried to move my hand, wanting to rub my weary, dry eyes, I felt a twitch at my fingertips, and I instantly stopped, dead in my tracks. Glancing over my laid figure, I saw that I was lying on my side, on a futon, right next to Raph's seeming-dead body, with the white bandages wrapped securely around his head, his chest rising and falling with his breath, if only faintly, as if ready to stop any second.

What startled me, was the fact I was holding his motionless hand.

His thumb twitched, but other than that, he made no move.

An uneasy shiver prickled my skin, and a chill grew in the pit of my stomach, and I wondered if the ice age had struck my guts, cause it felt too cold to move, and I knew if I had hackles, they would have stood up by now, all thanks to the eerie, uncomfortable chill that rattled my bones, prickled my skin and sent my other senses on a wild alarm.

Like a ghost, Raph's eyelids slid up slowly, reveling faded grey-black blurry orbs, and he opened his wide, lifeless, he turned his head to face me, when he turned his neck slightly, his lips curling slightly in a faint, toothy compassionate smile. All too suddenly, that little ruby-red droplet formed at the corner of his eye, before it gathered enough moist to drizzle it's way down his cheek.

I froze, unmoving, my body frozen in it's position.

It felt like death warmed over, when I shut my eyes tight, jerk-pushed myself up, releasing his hand, then flashed my eyes wide, gasping for air as if I had been suffocating, before jerking my head down, looking down at him. It was almost heart stopping, how he was back to his previous position, head upright and eyes closed, as if he hadn't really moved.

I felt the cold air enter my throat, and I realized I was gasping more urgently, with fear dancing in my mind, sucking in the air hungrily, and somehow, I weren't surprised if I had almost suffocated. The experience was startling, if not heart stopping, to the point of sheer horror, I didn't understand it, but once my heart stopped slamming violently against my plastron, I realized what I had just gone through.

"Leo?" I heard my brother call, "Hey, you're up!" the scrapping of his Bo staff was loud and clear on the concrete floor.

I eyed Donny, and his merry smile faded instantly, so I guessed I must have looked really terrible, "Yeah, I'm up."

"God, Leo; are you alright?" he asked worriedly, trudging towards me a little faster, "You look like death warmed over!"

I spared a weak smile, "Somehow, I think I have." I pushed my shaky feet off the floor, breathing in and out steadily, or trying to, anyway.

Don gave me a visual once over, before he frowned in concern, "Leo, you don't look too good, maybe you should lay down."

"Not now." I replied gently, swallowing a lump in my throat, "Maybe later." I gathered my courage, gave Raph's motionless body a quick glance, and then looked back at Don, "There- is something I need to do." I informed him while pushing my way past him.

"What? Cant it wait till tomorrow?" he argued gently.

"It can't wait." I replied, grabbing my swords from a nearby table, that Mike had probably un-strapped when I fell asleep, "I need to go retrieve something." I told him as I made my way towards the exit.

"Retrieve something?" he echoed, confused, "Like what? From where?"

"You'll know once I'm back." I huffed slightly, buckling my belt and making sure it was on tight.

"Leo, I think it would be wise if you stay with Raph," he argued again, pleadingly, "He needs you."

"Raph asked me to do this." I replied kindly, and at his confused expression, I smiled, "Don't worry, I wont take long."

Don blinked once, twice, then his eyes widened and he glanced down at Raph's motionless, expressionless body, a look of realization was clear on his drained features; he paused, watching our seemingly dead brother breath, in a slow rhythmic tempo, before looking back at me, "Be careful." He pleaded quietly, uncertainty and fear tainted his voice.

I simply nodded, before I made my way out of the makeshift lair, through the sewer entrance, then into the depth of New York City sewers; registering the fact that somehow, Raphael, in his own way, had requested- he asked me to fetch his items from both homes, and I accepted, with no words spoken. To be honest, I was curious as to what those items were, but it also worried me.

Somehow, I was afraid to find out.

But… as my brother's last request, I will honor him, by retrieving these items.

….

I was scared, mighty scared.

It had been months since I've come to the old lair.

It's been a very long time since I've come here, not since Raph and I came here to pick out things, in order to move into the new lair. I remember that day, Raph was very upset, he loved our old, small, narrow yet humble home, more than the new, wide open one, though I never could understand how he is to prefer a small cluttered room, than a wide clean one, I never asked.

The main entrance of the lair had been demolished, due to the fact that there were no beams supporting the roof, after Stockman's mousers tore them down, and also, the path was blocked, allowing no entrance to those from the outside, nor an exit to those who might have been trapped inside, so I had to take the open street, and use another manhole to get into the liar, just like we did the first time it happened.

Why didn't I use the sewer slider, like Raph and I did the last time?

Well, first of all, the sewer slider had received a terrible punch from one of Karai's mega-robots, splitting the vehicle in half, trashing all the work Don had spent during the past year in a mere second; and then there is the fact that I cannot risk the chance of riding it here, the engine is too loud, it might attract attention, not to mention that the only entrance to the lair, via the sewer slider's path, would be on the other side of the canal, and I don't want to waste my time going around the block just to get through that entrance.

Anyway, I'm just going in to get Raph's notebooks, so why the complications?

With a soft breath, I huffed, gathering my courage, and entered the sewer tunnel through the manhole; once reaching the bottom of the ringed ladder, I shuffled my feet cautiously down the tunnel, though highly doubtful of being followed.

Entering the now bare, dusty and neglected, old, unfurnished lair, I stood at the entrance, watching the dust pick up as I passed by, eyeing the rubble of what was once our beloved home.

Wistfully, I smiled, recalling all the wonderful memories of growing up here, the joys and the pains, mostly tail-cheek pains, with my dear brothers and father, there were so many things we've done here, happy and sad memories, and somehow, I think I understand how Raph feels, not wanting to leave our very first home, the place that had always and forever been our home.

Parting away from the place was hard, but unavoidable, especially in out situation back then.

Bitterness prickled my taste buds, as heat pricked the back of my eyes.

'_God, please don't let me be one brother less._' I prayed quietly.

Entering the empty, unfurnished, dust covered living room, I gazed across the brick-lined walls, my memory already filling the gaps of where a certain piece of furniture was; the television and the small coffee table, that armchair Sensei had found, patched up and put for us to use, his favorite rocking chair, the random and mismatched rugs he had gathered that furnished out floor, the lamps and various items he collected throughout our years of growing up, the simple yet colorful lamps placed around the lair, shedding their soft, shy lights for us to see.

Inhaling the scent of dust and debris, I furrowed, snorting in distaste, wrinkling my snout a bit. I was hoping for a more welcoming scent, but I guess we've been gone for so long, the scent of Sensei's incense had long gone and vanished from the air. I remember he used to light it every so few days, usually once or twice a week, it used to chase away bugs, especially flies and mosquitoes.

I wondered if that had anything to do with Raph disliking bugs.

Smiling weakly at the memory, I ventured deeper into the old lair, and a tad bit nervous, stepped into what once, used to be our bedroom. It wasn't really big, it was actually a very wide open room with four beds in the middle, about a space of a foot or two in-between, there were two dressing cabinets on the far side of the room, and a study desk with a small library on the other side.

I remember, Donny used to spend most of his time here, or at the kitchen able, toying with different items, trying to figure out how they work, or to try and fix them, in order for us to use them for our own benefit.

I froze, my eyes detecting my target.

On the far corner of the room, was that lone, discolored brick, and a cold chill caused goose bumps to appear on my hairless skin.

Of course, Mike prefers to call then turtle bumps, I don't know why; when I asked him, he said '_Why do they call them goose bumps, anyway?_' and honestly, I had no answer, but he did get in trouble when he, after watching one of them cartoons, the grey rabbit and the redheaded, long mustache, short tempered, gun welding pirate, he dare asked Sensei.

'_What's a cotton pickin' vermin? And what's a land lubber? Who's Davy Jones? Why a locker? What's cotton? Is it like cotton candy? Does it taste good? Does it grow in the sewers? What's it look like?_' and so on.

I figure it's where Raph got his colorful language later on, huh.

With a sigh, I pushed myself forewords, stepping lightly on the dusty floor, barely leaving my footprints behind. Reaching the corner, I licked my lips, a little uneasy, and twitched my snout, the dust was picking up when I touched the wall, and it tickled my snout, forcing me to sneeze twice, before sniffling, glaring at the dusty, dingy old floor.

I eyed the brick, and pressing gently on it, it slid into the gapping hole, so all I had to do was pull it out through the rectangle opening it created, placed it on the floor, and swallowed uneasily at the sight of the four notebooks and paper crane. Gently, I reached in and took them out, wondering curiously why Raph had not retrieved them when we first moved out.

I shrugged, he probably forgot all about them, I figure.

I picked up the white paper crane, set it aside, then glanced at the short, overused pencil, with teeth marks all over it, then at the four, puppy-eared, worn out, tape bind notebooks.

I blinked, for they were all quite similar in shape, size and color, not to mention they were equally, very frequently used, pretty obvious from their worn out condition, the numerous number of tape slapped to their sides, keeping the pages attached, one of the books was clearly ripped in half, then taped back together, maybe even numerous times, and I worried why, but the odd part, they were numbered, from one to four.

The first was in the worst condition compared to the fourth, so I'm guessing the first one got pretty abused, due to the frequent usage, and whatever Raph did with them, he obtained some sort of self control, as to not rip the other three apart, like he had obviously already done so to the first. Then again, I can't help but sense that they could very well be- journals?

'_And since when, prey tell, did Raph ever start writing a journal?_' I blinked, confused at the thought. After all, Raph always teased and mocked Mike about his diary, so why would Raph have one? '_Unless he was trying to hide the fact, that he had one, too?_' I perked, now growing curious; wanting to read what was written in these books.

'_Would he allow it?_' I then thought, '_After all, when he showed you, every time you open one of them, you grow nauseous and black out._' I furrowed in concern, my thick, green fingers caressing the worn out paper cover gingerly, '_So maybe there is something in these books, I'm not supposed to read?_' I wondered again.

I decided to go get the other notebook and cranes, from Raph's bedroom, in the Elentian lair, then head home, and give them to Sensei. If anyone should read these, it should be Sensei, and if allowed, I'd want to read them, too.

With that in mind, I carefully carried the four books in my hands, like a plate, the short pencil and paper crane sitting quietly on top.

My journey to our recently demolished lair was eventless and simple, and thankfully, there was no ambush laying in wait like the first time I arrived. I walked in, ignoring the rubble the best I could, ventured into Raphael's room, pushed the discolored brick, and it poked the one below it, pushing it outwards, so I tugged that one out, and took out the two paper cranes and notebook.

But then I froze, my eyes widening and my blood turning cold in my veins.

There was a red mask in the small gapping hole in the wall.

Hesitantly, I set the, now, five books, two pencils and three paper cranes on the floor, then placed the discolored brick near them, before eyeing the mask, where it lay still in the small gap in the wall.

I forcefully swallowed a hard, thick knot in my throat, and it pummeled into my stomach like a boulder with a sickening, cold splash. My heart sped a bit, same with my breathing, and I gathered my momentarily-shattered courage, and after a long moment of faltering hesitation, I braced myself, reaching into the gap, I gently gripped the fragile piece of old, tattered, red cloth, almost as if it would jump up on it's own and bite me!

To my surprise, there was a paper tied on and at the tail-end of the bandana.

Unsure, I tugged at it, and it easily spilled out of the delicate knot it was tied with, and the paper was dusty, rolled over and clearly had been once tied too tightly, for it's center area was a bit wrinkled, so I carefully unrolled the small slip of paper and started reading.

"_To my dear, beloved brothers and father: When you find this message, I'm guessing something had either happened to me, or I'm dead, or if it's you Mike, you had better get your ass out of my room, before I find you and skin you alive!_" I smiled faintly.

"_If I'm dead, then all I ask is to be remembered. If something bad had happened to me, tell Leo is was never his fault, the idiot pretty much blames himself for everything! I bet if the sky started falling, and we asked why, he'd start apologizing and claim he meditated for too long of something!_" I arched a very un-amused brow ridge.

"_And besides!_ _I bet I probably jumped head first into trouble, anyway._" I paused for a moment, frowning slightly, wondering if Raph knew just how ironic that last statement sounded.

"_On the other hand, if it's you Mike, and you're reading this, then you had better have a good reason to be snooping in my room, chucks-for-brains, because I don't think it's funny!_" I smiled a little, thinking that- Yes, Mike would snoop around Raph's room, usually to rig a prank of some sort, or to try to find something to tamper with.

"_At any case; if it's one of the first two, that I'm either dead and six feet under already, or something really bad had happened, probably because of my stupidity, then tell master Splinter that I love him, and I'm sorry for being such a pest, I'm sure it would have spared him all the grey hair I caused him._" I paused, blinking.

"_There are four journals, hidden in the old bedroom at the old lair, they're hidden in the wall at the far west-northern corner, hidden in a small safe-deposit-like gap in the wall._"

"_Please, whoever is reading this, don't read them, just give them to Sensei, when he's done, please burn them._" I frowned, wondering why he would request such a thing.

"_This journal here, is my very first journal since our departure from the old lair, and residence in the new one, consider it a new beginning. It's more like a stress relief, really. Less detailed than the first four, and less offensive. The previous four contain way too many personal thoughts, and no censoring, I'm afraid._" I arched a brow, wondering wearily what he could have written.

"_For whoever is reading this, you can not read my previous four journals, trust me, they're ugly! And, because I was young, bitter and selfish, and wrote down too many angry things, things I am too embarrassed to remember, ashamed to share, and yet needed them to remind myself of what I had lost, and what I have gained._"

"_On the other hand, it's okay to read this one, but only after you ask master Splinter for permission! It's up to you if you wish to burn this along with the other four or not. As for the paper cranes, well- I think you'll understand only if you read all five journals, so I think it will be for the best if you just keep them around._"

"_I know that this might sound strange, coming from a bonehead like me, but I love you guys, and I'm glad I had you for brothers, and master Splinter, you have always been a father to me, and I'm sorry I never managed to reach your expectations._"

I froze, there were tears blurring my eyes, there was just- there was something about the last statement that bit me, and it bit me hard! It stung! I stopped and rubbed them away, sniffling.

"_Whew! Well that was a massive piece to write! Heck, maybe I should have been a novelist? … Nah!"_ I chuckled, giving a negative shake, "_Anyway, at any rate, since I've gotten this far, I might as well just admit it! You have always been my family, and I love you guys, each and every one of you! Yes, even you Mike, but if I'm not dead, you had better not rub it in my face, or I'm cutting you out of my will! I mean it! Well, maybe as soon as I have it written, someday_."

"_Anyway, take care, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and my beloved father, master Hamato Splinter. I'll never forget you. Sign, with love, the bonehead, Raphael._"

"_PS: if that last part crashed the sap-scale, feel free to shoot me, because I'm probably already dead._"

"_PSS: Edit! Tell April that if she ain't hooking up with Casey, then I'm sure Don would be more than willing to take a shot at it, the romantic relationship, I mean; all he needs is the ego boost! Seriously, sometimes he needs a good kick up the ass to get his engine started!_"

"_PSSS: What the shell does PS stand for, anyway? And just how many S's can I add for that matter? Not a clue, but if it makes you laugh, then I wouldn't really care. I love you._"

Despite the smile spreading on my face, the heat warming my chest, neck, and face, the faintest chuckle bubbling in my throat, building a tremor in my ribcage, the hot, bitter, salty tears trickled down like a small drizzle, tapping my thigh gently as they fell, sliding off my cheeks, their soft, almost soundless pitter patter was deaf to my ears.

The chuckle soon morphed into a sorrowful howl, and I curling over myself, hugging the paper tightly, clutched tightly in both hands, my forehead pressing to the cold, hard, heartless floor, and I was reduced to a sobbing heap again.

I was losing a brother, there is no denying it.

Raph is dying, and he knows it.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: review please!


	4. Confession

Part Four: - Confession -

--------

I returned to our current residence, the old abandoned pumping station.

In my hands, were five journals, two pencils and three paper cranes.

I delivered them to Sensei, no words spoken, and he accepted them.

That night, master splinter stayed up late, in his makeshift bedroom, the far side corner of one of the rooms. He was reading though Raphael's four, tattered, old, beaten journals, and even from my humble perch, from across the bedroom area, sitting next to my motionless brother's bed, here in the infirmary, I could sense Sensei's constantly shifting aura.

It bristled, very disturbed and- hurt? Wounded? Offended?

I don't know, all I know is once he finished reading one journal, wearily, reluctantly and shakily, his fingers would twitch, grasping the paper either too tightly or too lightly, his wet, blurry brown eyes glittering with suppressed tears, he'd toss it into a small flaming barrel, Don had prepared for him on his request, then he'd pause for a few moments, meditating lightly, collecting his thoughts, swallowing and hungrily sucking in the air, wanting to cool down and sooth the heat scorching through his inflaming lungs, before wearily reaching out and grabbing the next journal, reading it slowly, then wresting with his feelings and inner emotions, before tossing it into the fire, and going for the next.

Donny placed the cranes next to his glossed one, and the four cranes faced each other in a square-like position, unmoving, where they rest humbly on his workbench on the far side of the study table, a spot Klunk can't slip into and get stuck. The pencils were simply placed aside with the rest of his desktop items, but all he really cared for now were the paper cranes.

The red mask, on the other hand, Sensei kept it.

Don assured me that the cranes were indeed Raph's handiwork, because there was a certain fold to the wings that Raph always did. Instead of having the wings spread out and down, mimicking the bowing head, Raph's style made then spread out wide and upwards, though the head was just a notch, tilted upwards, making the paper birds look like they're flying.

It felt like months had passed, before Sensei arrived with the last, fifth, and remaining journal.

He handed it down to me, requesting that I read it in privet, and I nervously accepted.

Once in my makeshift bedroom, alone and away from the infirmary, I settled down on my humble, beaten old futon, eyeing and fingering the well conditioned notebook's cover. Seeing this one was the one in the Elentian lair, it's only natural Raph had kept it in good condition, it being his recently used journal. Timidly, and a little scared, I gripped it in both hands, eyeing the leather-like cover for a good long moment, and then reluctantly, flipped the front cover, coming to the sight of a note on the first page.

"_To whoever reads this, please understand that these are my personal thoughts and feelings, I might say something you would find offensive, but I don't mean to say it that way. I had never been the best with words, even when writing them, so please, please try to understand that this textbook is my only way to vent out my frustration, anything offensive here is simply put- words! Words with no meaning to anyone but me! Don't hate me, because I don't hate you! I love you, and as much as I know I don't say it as often as I should, I love you and I care, because you are my family._"

'_Not good with words my foot!_' I scoffed gently, as I bit back a bitter laugh.

Did Raph even understand, or come to realize that the way he talks on paper, is so darn different that his regular way of speech, it almost makes him sound like a completely different person?

His words carry none of his gruff, husky and dark, thick voice, it's clear and it's English, it doesn't slur like his accent does, nor does it hiss or make you feel under leveled by his tone, or way of speech, and the pattern of his thoughts, easy flowing, clear and simple, like he's addressing someone very dear, picking his words with the utmost consideration and care.

It- it's almost- elegantly romantic, in a way.

I think that's one of the reasons Casey used to asks Raph for help, when he's trying to figure out something fancy, or romantic to say to April. Though Raph thinks none of us know, I kind if knew he had a talent for poetry, it literature for that matter, even if he'd never admit it, or expressed it out loud. I think it's his kind, gentle soul, compassionate thoughts and loving heart, that allows him to express his feelings more openly in poetry, than simply written text, even when he, himself, does not understand it.

'_Maybe he **should** have been a novelist!_' I smirked to myself, my fingers faintly touched the beautifully written English characters.

Raph's handwriting had always been a mix between English, and Japanese calligraphy, for most of his stretched letters, tend to end with either a thin line or an edge, like Japanese related strokes, giving his handwriting a strange, yet lovely pattern.

Bracing myself, I flipped the first page, only to notice a red dot on the bottom inner corner. There was- it looked like something he edited, there was text that was scribbled over, and the phrase '_Rated R because I was (xxx) frustrated!_' scribbled there. I chuckled, realizing that whatever was written there, Raph went over and censored it.

I huffed, now eyeing the parts of the page that were not scribbled.

"_Okay, this journal had been edited, I ain't gonna put a date or time along with me entries, because I don't like keeping track of time, that's Leo's job._" I arched a brow ridge.

"_I shall start this journal entry, when we had lost our old lair, when a bozo named Stockman sent his chew toys to eat us! You'd think the sewers were a safe place to live in, if you subtract the giant albino croc, I'd hate to end up being his lab rat!_"

"_At any case, after we lost our home, we got separated from Sensei, and had to find our way around to meet up with him elsewhere. Stupidly, I got locked up in an armored truck, talk about a pain in the ass! I'm surprised Leo didn't b!tch at me because of it, then again, we had just recently moved into the new lair, so he probably didn't have the time, he and Mike were fighting about the kitchen appliances with Donny._"

I skimmed a few pages, ignoring the few red lines scattered across the pages, I figured Raph had gone over the journal recently, for most of his early entries had been censored or erased.

"_It's been about a week now, since we moved in, met that redhead April O'Neil, and damn! I never knew Mike had it in him! You should have seen the jealous glare in his eyes when I sat next to her, he was practically shooting daggers at me! Or when how Don smiled at her, when Mike introduced them! I don't think Mike had it in mind, to try and hook them, but him, being his silly, lovable self, had to shove our bashful brother into the spotlight, if only for a few laughs._"

I skipped a few entries, because the rest of the page was all about our battle with stockman, and Raph's monitoring of Don and Mike's un-spoken feelings towards April, Don being mellow and Mike being extra annoying.

I hate to admit it, but I think Raph was on to something!

"_I feel kinda weird, writing my journal again. Heck! My last entry was when I was twelve, I remember it was around our first time out of the sewers, when sensei took us out on our first patrol. (Check journal log number four, last entry, for a jog down memory lane) Man! I can't believe Mike was hungry, if not crazy enough, to sneak into a restaurant, and not just any restaurant, a Seafood restaurant! What the hell was he thinking? I can't believe I was crazy enough to go after him!_"

"_That Chinese chef was stumped, seeing two turtles in his kitchen, I'm just glad we dodged that butcher knife, or it really would have left a mark! I'm just glad we managed to get back home, before Sensei found out about our little mishap –or did he?- cause I sure had the feeling he went easy on us, and didn't spank the daylights out of our tails, faking that he didn't know._"

"_Well, I remember, when I was about seven or eight, Sensei originally told me to write down my thoughts, because it'll help me understand my feelings better, not to mention it'll be like a hand workout, to help me improve my handwriting and spelling. He said that he won't read my journal, not unless I ask him to, so it's safe to write down whatever it is I feel, just to vent it out._"

"_He said that it will help me out of my clam, whatever he meant, somewhere between fourteen and fifteen, he once took me aside for a little father son talk, and I was pretty nervous, I thought I got in trouble of something, I hate it when I do that! He told me that when I were young, I always distanced myself from the others, my brothers, that I was too sullen for a child, too angry, he didn't know how to fix it, and he didn't want to force me to like them, that's why he told me to write down my feelings, and then after the book is done, I am to leave it aside, and start with another, then one day, when I'm older, I should go back and read them, and perhaps by then, I would understand the changes that had happened to me, that I would understand what I went though, and my experience would help me somehow._"

"_Boy! He had no idea! My first four journals were ugly, I still can't believe how I wrote most of the stuff, aside the fact my handwriting looked like chicken scribbles, and I was a lousy speller, heck! Even Mike was better than me, he and Don always tie during scrabble. Gees, how I hate that game!"_ I chuckled, pausing for a moment, re-reading the past paragraph.

"_I don't know what I did, during the time Sensei gave me those old, battered journals, but Sensei told me that I had gotten better, emotionally and spiritually, after I started jotting down my thoughts, I think it helped me figure out my feelings and come to understand myself better, he said I even started talking to my bros, I became more active towards them._"

"_When I look back at my past, about the things I used to say and think about myself and family, sh!t, if I met my younger self, one of these days, I'd give him a serious dose of butt whooping, cause I cant believe I've been such a boneheaded, selfish, self centered brat! If I were Sensei, I would have been kicked out of the lair, being so goddamn moody, I was practically an adult stuck in the body of a kid! And gosh darn it, I can't believe I used to use the F word so frequently in my writings, ever since- what? Since I was five? Six? Where the hell did I pick that up? Defiantly not from Sensei! My guess it's from the sailors at the dock, where I used to sneak off at night._"

"_But that's (insert a guilty chuckle here) um, another story._" I arched a brow.

"_Ah, anyway, I'll stop the nonsense, before I get myself in trouble, and end this entry here, it's almost midnight and I'm gonna be late for our sparring session._" I flipped the page, but the page was missing, probably ripped out.

I huffed out a small breath, and felt that it might take a while to read the whole book, so since I've got all night, I skipped a few entries, and began with an entry that was probably just a few weeks back.

"_Well, here we are with a new entry, don't you think? The family just came back from the farm house, now that the Triseraton are gone, with the professor technically dead, I kind of feel sorry for Donny. Sometimes, Don can be so obsessed with things, and finally meeting someone he can relate to, yeah- I guess I'd feel bad, too!_"

"_During our stay at the farmhouse, I didn't get a chance to jog down my thoughts. I still don't know why I've come back to writing them down, but somehow, I feel that I need to leave something behind, incase something happens to me. Well, being a bonehead, I'm sure something will come along the line sooner or later, so it's only a matter of time, huh? At any case, I think the only explanation, I just want to be remembered by those I really care about, my brothers and father._"

"_At the farm house, Casey and I went about to a lake nearby, the place was kickass awesome! Bet it would make a great ice skating spot during winter, and a fancy spot for swimming or picnics during summer nights_."

"_Of course, being a typical teenager, I admit I do have a few naughty thoughts floating in my head, like- I'd probably be scooping out the honeys when they're skinny dipping, but I knew better than that, Sensei would hack my tail off and hand it to me, if I did something like that!_" I smothered a smile, heat warming my cheeks, wondering absently if that's how Raph's mind really worked.

"_Anyway, Casey and I talked about a whole bunch of stuff, it was fun, in a way, I can't explain it. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I were human, Case said that imagines me to be a redheaded, green eyes and with ashen, pale skin and a devious grin. Well, I don't know about the rest of the lot, but I already have a devious grin, right?_"

'_Oh you have no idea._' I chuckled.

I skimmed through the entries, reading tidbits and pieces, ignoring the red-lined and scribbled parts, jumping a few pages, then going back and re-read some other, I realized that the more I progress into Raph's journals, the closer I come to understand his way of thinking.

He's not always angry, just judging, reasoning, he's trying to explain his feelings through comparing similar aspects of life, he'd compare what he didn't have when we were kids, to what we had now, that he's happier now, though not completely content.

I understood that he felt like he was lacking, that he still did not fulfill the expectation Sensei wanted, that's why he was more frustrated at himself, for being unable to do what was expected from him, than the fact that I surpass him. He knew that each and every one of us had a talent, that the others could not do so well, and though he and I both loved ninjutsu, I was naturally blessed with it, while he needed more work.

He had no idea; I envied his natural talents, like his powerful sense of smell, the tracking and the all too simply sixth sense! He always did know when something is to happen, even in his blind rage, he knows how to counter some things in the least expected way, it's- amazing!

"_Week Two: it had been two weeks since Leo left to Japan, to meet this Ancient One, and Mike won't shut up about it! Don is spending more time in his lab, while Mike is spending too much time at the TV and kitchen, Klunk pestering me more, the darn flew bag wouldn't leave me alone! While I started going out more, I can't stand the chaos in the lair, I need air!_"

"_Naturally, I went to Casey's, and we went out thug bashing, but a strange thing happened!_" I blinked, curious.

"_Sometimes, I wonder what's gotten into humanity, leaving a baby, no more than a few minutes old, in the park all by her lonesome self, she even still had her long, thick cord attached to her belly, sticky stuff latching to her head and skin, as if she were born only moments ago, but there was no sign of her mother in sight, and with nothing but a tattered old sheet and a cardboard box. Have they got no shame? Aren't they human? What kind of human leaves a helpless, tiny little girl like this?_"

"_Casey and I decided to take her to a hospital, but something, somehow, I couldn't stand that idea, I didn't like the idea of leaving her behind with a bunch of strangers, it felt… wrong._"

"_To me, watching her there, sleeping peacefully in my arms, she was breathtakingly beautiful! Her hair was clearly a shade of brown, or maybe red, though barely visible on her almost bald head. Her cries were so faint, it sounded like she couldn't even breathe! Her eyes were blurry, but I'm guessing they're either hazel brown or ocean grey, but her pale, blush pink skin was so cold! God! I wondered how anyone left a child out in the cold, damp, dingy dirt old park, had they not been stripped from every ounce of humanity!_"

"_I took her to April's place, and she instantly squealed, and then, of course, gasped in shock, the poor thing was freezing! I dare not take her to the hospital, I didn't want to, I don't know why, I just couldn't. There was something- something about holding her in my arms, it felt- perfect! Neither April nor Casey said anything; I think they just silently understood the situation, and thankfully, they promised not to tell the others. For a whole month, April kept the little girl, and for some reason, I decided to name her Grace._"

"_For the first three weeks, April and Casey took care of Grace for me, she somehow bonded them together, like godparents of some sort. I tried to be around as much as possible, for Grace's sake, without attracting too much attention, I didn't want Don and Mike, or even Sensei, to figure out what I've been up to, defiantly not Mike!_"

"_But then, around the fifth week, April had already reported the nearby police station, and a few hospitals, about the child, and some children care community came to claim her, and April had to let go._"

"_Grace had been taken to a well managed orphanage, and I visited her couple of times, thankfully, she knows and remembers me, despite her young and tender age. I remember I sat with her the first few nights there, putting her to sleep when she cried, the nurses and caretakers were very nice, but she didn't stand them, she kept crying, sometimes she'd cry all night until she exhausted herself to sleep._"

"_It tore my heart out, the little thing was already attached to me, Ape and Case, and I had to ask April to do something_." I furrowed in concern, I didn't like the way this was going.

"_Unfortunately, April and Casey weren't married, but my hunch told me they were planning it, sometime in the near future, they couldn't adopt her, somehow they both lacked the necessities to adopt a kid, so she was taken off by some other family, adopted. All I knew is that the pair who adopted her were Mexican, thankfully, they did not change her name, the actually liked the name I gave her, so her name was now Grace Amancio,(pronounced: A-ma-n-shi-o) so hopefully, one day, I'll meet her. I prey that I would._"

I smiled, there was something about that story that tugged at my heart, and I felt warmth bubbling inside of me, it felt very, very nice. I mused over the fact that my brother, had somewhat adopted a strange little girl, and though he'd secretly known her for only a month, he had obviously loved her as if she were his own, it was a side I've never seen before.

Flipping the page, I reached his last entry, I swallowed, and uneasily continued reading.

"_Week seven: Well, it had been approximately a month and three weeks, since Leo left to Japan. It's only been two weeks, but I miss Grace already. Master Splinter said that though Leo's pilgrimage is not controlled my time. Sensei's been repeating himself a lot lately. Geez, does he miss Leo that much? Hey! We're your sons too, you know! _" I winced inwardly, that statement bit me hard.

"_Sensei said that we need to carry on and do our daily things, to stop thinking of Leo. (Hah! Look who's talking! He should take by his own advice for a change!) Easier said than done! I managed on my own, thankyouverymuch! But Heck! I took care of Grace, a little baby girl for a whole month, and none of them even noticed I was missing more than usual!_"

"_What am I? Invisible or something? Or am I just that easy to ignore?_" I licked my lips, and continued reading, trying my best to ignore the bitter taste in my mouth, and the stinging in my muscles.

"_I was never that reliable on Leo, but somehow, the way Don and Mike kept whining, saying how much they miss having him around, it just- I didn't like it._" I paused, Raph sounded very upset, "_The way they said it, it somehow made me feel- rejected! I mean, aren't I being a good leader? Am I just a worthless, temporary, unimportant replacement? Am I so terrible, Leo's miss is becoming more obvious? What am I doing wrong? Aren't I good enough?_"

Something stung in the back of my eyes, deep in the core of my muscles, it felt clinched and my stomach started turning cold, but I braced myself and kept on reading, "_I don't get it. We've been through a lot of hardship during the past seven weeks, we fought the Foot wannabes, Hun scum and we stayed alive, didn't we? So why is it that they act as if I did a half-ass job, that he's never coming back? Why won't they believe in me? That I can be just as good as Leo, if not better? That I can lead them! It's not fair!_"

"_I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I'm in a pretty b!tchy mood, I could rant and write down something else, but I'm not in the mood to scribble anything else down, I'll just end up repeating myself, and my brain refuses to work right about now… besides, I was clinching the pencil too hard, it snapped in two! I hate it when that happens!_" was all what was written, and there was nothing more, the remaining pages were all blank.

Closing the journal, I sighed heavily, I didn't like the way it was going.

But- I understood, Raph wanted to say goodbye, in his own way, and there was supposed to be something in this journal that said that. I figured that I must have been reading for too long, because my eyes were to dry and achy, despite the suppressed tears that stung the back of my sockets, despite the river of tears flowing on my cheeks.

Silently, I cried, less loudly, more controlled, I mourned a brother who was leaving me behind.

He was leaving, and he was asking me to just- to let him go.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: hmm, almost there… review please!


	5. Farewell

Part Five: -Farewell -

---------

Meditating, I calmly breathed, feeling the air flow in and out, waiting.

In my subconscious, I felt him approaching, walking towards me, calmly, bravely, and slowly I opened my eyes.

Far away in the blackness of my mind's eye, deep in my subconscious world, I saw nothing in the blurry, morphing and squiggly darkness at first, but after a short moment, a blurry spot of bright blue-white, dancing faintly within the darkness, starting revealing itself, and I felt a bit alarmed at this alien presence lingering in my mind's world.

Little by little, the shape became clearer, more pronounced, and soon, I recognized him, as he stood before me, no more than ten feet away, tall and proud, no pads or mask, no belt or weapons, he had nothing on but that humble, gentle smile, curling on his lips.

A single crimson droplet trickled down his pale white-blue cheek, a teardrop of fresh blood, and the faded blue-grey blurry eyes watched me as I rose up to me feet, ready. He smiled gently, if only faintly, and reached out his colossal hand, and though I felt small and weak, not to mention afraid, I bravely accepted, clasping mine with his, sensing his grip gently tighten on mine.

There was silence, and I never asked why.

He was leaving, but he wanted to show me something before he does.

Raphael, my brother, ushered me to follow, by gently tugged at my hand, before smiling just a little wider, guiding me away. I held my breath for moment, though smiling weakly in reply, I gripped his hand as tightly, yet as gently as I could, not wanting to let go, yet knowing it was inevitable, and he replied by squeezing back just as carefully.

In my subconscious stroll, hand in hand with Raph, I worried, knowing fully that this will not end the way I want it to.

After all, not every story comes with a happy ending.

Again, our surroundings became clearer, more pronounced, and though in my ghostly, spiritual stroll, I can see him guiding me away from my bedroom, towards the makeshift infirmary, where we resident in the abandoned pumping station.

I kept my fears to myself.

There, at the infirmary, I saw Mike, laid to his side, next to Raph's motionless, physical body; Mike was fast asleep, curling in clear exhaustion next to our unconscious brother, not wanting to leave, incase Raph woke up.

Donny was sitting up, a wet rag in hand, he had used it earlier to wipe away some sweat that had gathered on Raph's throat, despite the fact that his skin was cooling instead of heating up, and that worried Don greatly, for it didn't make any sense. He had stayed up all night, looking after Raph, and now, his head is heavy and nodding with the need to sleep, yet he stubbornly resists, wanting to stay awake for our brothers sake.

The heart monitor Donatello had recently hooked was beeping rhythmically with Raph's weak, yet continuous pulse, informing us that our brother was still among the living, yet the weakening pulse also indicates that it wont stay that way for long.

Our father and mention, master Splinter; Sensei sat nearby, aging faster than I could have ever imagined, he had never looked so small, weak, fragile and sad, a clear sign of a loving father's worry, for his hotheaded son's sake, it was as clear as daylight on his features. There was sadness and sorrow, yet there was a hint of pride, and I knew he acknowledged the truth.

Raph was leaving, and there was nothing for us to do, but accept it, and let him go.

Raph, in our subconscious world, tugged on my hand, smiling gently, asking me to follow, and though my eyes stung, with hot salty tears, overflowing, unsuppressed, I smiled hazily, following him silently. His expression only softened a few more notches, he reached out his free hand to flick away the teardrop from my chin, and I just looked at him, feeling a grip clutching tightly to my heart.

He smiled still, softly, gently, and another crimson teardrop trickled on his pale white cheek, ruby red and bright, drizzling over his cold, pale white skin. I could sense his thoughts, begging me, asking me to be stronger, and I nodded quietly, swallowing a sob that choked my throat. He tightened his hold a bit, as if comforting me, but that only made my river flow again.

'_Please,_' I found my voice a whisper, '_Don't_ _leave us._' I pleaded.

He held on the smile and gave a slight negative shake, and though there was no voice, I read his lips and he mouthed, '_I have to._'

I grit my teeth, feeling like a child who was parting away from his best friend.

There was a soft sound of shuffling, like feet on a rugged floor, and with a quizzical furrow, I looked away, towards Raph's physical body where it lay motionless on that white bed.

To my surprise, I saw the ghostly figure of three- no! There were four, four turtle tots!

There were us!

Donny, a child no more than nine years of age, with his small yet thin fingers, he was standing next to his adult body, a hand on his shoulder. Little Don had a hand on adult Don's shoulder, and Don furrowed, sensing the touch, yet not waking up. Mike's tot was lingering over Mike's sleeping body, he squatted down and touched his adult side gently over the head, smiling a bit, and Mike furrowed, but didn't wake up either.

When I looked back at Raph's physical body, confused and wondering why our younger selves were present, I tried not to freak out too greatly, when out of Raph's psychical body, I saw a ghostly arm slowly rise out of his chest! Slowly, ever so shyly, Raph's inner child got up, blinking sleepily, before pushing himself out of Raph's physical body, like a child stepping out of bed, and standing upright to his two feet.

Something trembled inside of me, in my very depths, and I gasped, breathless and suddenly feeling my skin as cold as ice! I felt something in my chest, and when I reached up to feel my plastron with my free hand, I was started at the sight of my inner child stepping out of me, like a ghost walking through a wall! It sent a cold shiver, prickling my skin.

I trembled, my lips quivering, in both bawdiness and growing anxiety and fear.

I glanced at Raphael, still holding my hand, yet tightly than before.

Another crimson tear trickled down, but his soft smile never seized, desperately trying to calm me, he reached out his free arm to wrap it around my neck, pulling me gently in a small embrace, squeezing me in his arms only a little, before petting my head and stepping back, yet not releasing my hand just yet, he nodded and looked back at our inner children.

I looked at the children and they giggled, gathering around Raph's child-sized counterpart, happily giggling, though with a touch of sadness, they group hugged, focusing their little arms around Raph, and he grinned sadly, hugging back.

When they separated, little Don and little Mike stepped away, while little me gripped little Raph's hand. The two kids looked at us, and my little self tugged at Raph, they hugged again, though I could clearly sense that my inner self did not want to let go of Raph, either. Soon, they parted, and they still held hands, except this time, little Raph guided my little self towards Sensei's meditating form.

Sensei was sitting with his legs buckled under him, and I can tell he sensed of their approach, for even in his subconscious, I can see him opening his humble, loving brown eyes, looking at our little selves, he smiled weakly with tears filling his eyes. Little me and little Raph let go of each other, and little Raph gave Sensei a big, tight hug, in which Sensei returned just as tightly, more tears flowing down.

My heart skipped a beat, watching my father cry silently, calmly, for when he and Raph parted, he just gave my little brother a peck on the forehead, as if wishing him good luck, and little Raph smiled, nodding his head. Little me and Raph held hands again, they smiled at each other slightly, before looking at Sensei, and master Splinter smiled fatherly, bowing his head for them, in which they replied by bowing their heads in reply.

Soon, they made their way towards me again, and I grew anxious.

The ghostly Raph holding my hand released my hand, in the same time my inner child released little Raph's, but before I could complain or reach out to grasp his hand again, my inner child gripped my hand, pulling me back, preventing me from reaching to Raph, and I stiffened, watching Raph and his inner self hold hands, sharing a small smile, before they both looked at me.

Raphael looked at me, smiling softly, he spoke to me one last time.

'_I love you._'

….

Gasping, awakening from my subconscious and to the real world, I blinked.

I heard Mike scream, and I blinked once, twice, I was no longer dream walking.

Yet, I felt them, the tears were hot and bitter, they stung the back of my eyes.

I can hear them crying, from where I sat, here in my small, humble makeshift bedroom. Don and Mike were crying urgently, and in the far distance, I can hear the heart monitor beeping, there was no rhythm, just a long, ear piercing beep. Don's voice was filled with panic, trying to revive or disappearing brother, and Mike was desperately calling Raph's name, begging him not to leave.

I did not try to stop him, to keep him here, I allowed him to leave.

He was gone, my dear brother was gone.

To be truthful, I expected myself to jump and bolt towards the infirmary, once I hear the monitor beeping, or stop beeping, I was surprised at myself, for I did not even flinch.

I just sat there, hot tears raining down on the back of my hands, where they rest, clinched into loose, easy fists, unmoving over thighs, and I sighed softly, closing my eyes for a brief moment, a strange, cool-warming feeling was swelling inside of me, growing, spreading, and a sense of understanding was felt clear, though I could not completely grasp it's meaning.

No mourning, no sadness, just- acceptance.

I said goodbye, and let him go, there was nothing else I could do.

I can't quite explain the feeling, the tightness cracking and unclenching my chest, un-grasping my lungs, allowing me to suck in the air and breath, to think more clearly, to feel more alive!

Somehow, being given the chance to say goodbye, to my dear, departing brother, it- it provided me with a sense of accomplishment, I was- relieved. It somehow made me feel like- I'm not loosing a brother, I'm just seeing him off, that he was leaving to a better place, that there should not be any sadness, no pain, no remorse, no regret.

Raph was doing okay, for where he is going, there will be no suffering, no pain.

Slowly, and maybe a bit stiffly, I pushed myself up to my cold feet, and walked silently towards the loud infirmary, and there, I saw Mike, clutching to Raph's hand, sobbing uncontrollably, begging him to come back. Don was staring wide eyed and terrified, not wanting to believe that our brother is gone, yet the silent tears were there, tapping his thighs, dripping hot and rapidly down from his cheeks like rain.

Sensei, opened his blurry brown eyes, he looked at me for a moment, a silent question, wanting to know if my brother had suffered any pain, if his departure was safe, and I smiled, just a tiny bit, my tears never seized, I mouthed Raph's message, '_I love you._' and Sensei smiled weakly, more tears flowing down his furry skin, and all I could do was smile back, my tears running down my face, acknowledging his comforting gesture.

Sensei and I might have accepted and allowed Raph's departure, silently, unquestioning…

But would Mike and Don do the same? Somehow, I weren't sure.

I had to know if they accepted, for if they didn't, they'll spend the rest of their life in ramose, guilt ridden.

I knew I had to help them up on their feet, though slowly and steadily, for our beloved brother's passing had dropped them to their knees, and I know they're not yet strong enough to push themselves up, for I know the pain is too great, and the guilt is too heavy, but I weren't too sure if they were capable of standing up yet, for I don't know is they suspended any wounds, mentally, because of his final departure.

The burden is too strong, and only I can take the blame.

I will help them, even if it _kills_ me.

Kneeling down next to Mike, I placed a hand on his shoulder and he gasped, jerking his head to gawk at me, startled with the touch. His pupils were not focusing and he looked so small and lost. Still clutching to Raph's limp hand, his lips timbale as his eyelids fluttered rapidly, more moist gathered under his eyelids and overflowed with tears; he tries to talk, but his voice wasn't working, choked with sobs and hiccups, and all I did was smile, softly and sadly, and wrap my arms around him, just as he had done to me before, pulling him into a hug.

It took him a moment to register the gesture, and once it clicked, he slowly, timidly, reluctantly, released Raph's cold, limp hand, and curled his arms around me, his weak, bubbling sobs turn into a low moaning howl, as he pressed his face into my abdomen, sinking onto my lap, his tears rained on my skin, their pitter-patter was clearly felt on my thighs, and I felt them like hot scalding water, hitting a sensitive nerve and slowly sliding off, like nails digging into my flesh, almost threatening to graze-scald my skin.

"He's gone, Leo! He's gone!" Mike moaned, sniffing and sobbing, hiccups erupting in his throat.

I caressed his head, my own silent tears trickling down, "I know." Was all I could whisper.

Don was sitting still in his spot, shoulders slumped and eyes brimmed with wetness, looking blankly at Raph's peaceful face, "At least- it was painless." He finally, softly murmured, tears dripping from his chin, he reached out a hand to cup Raph's cold cheek, thumb brushing over the skin, gently, "He looks so calm." He breathed out, a tiny smile curved on his lips.

I spared him a small smile, "I know." I repeated, my breath growing tight in my chest.

Mike sobered up, after a few moments, if only faintly, he looked at Don, before he sniffled and suppressed another wave of howled sobs, pressing himself into me, "He's gone." He whimpered again, "Raphie's gone."

"And he looks so peaceful." Don breathed quietly, still caressing Raph's cheek.

"I know." I breathed out quietly, smiling faintly, caressing Mike's head.

We sat still, Mike hiccupping and sniffling, latching on to the sides of my shell, he buried his face in my abdomen, sobbing every now and then, murmuring how Raphael is gone, over and over, not yet accepting the fact that we're now, one brother less. Not that I'd blame him, Mike and Raph had been a closest to each other, almost closer than Raph and I.

They felt more than brothers as time, they were like a twin, or if they were two of the same person!

Though I feel Mike is the original, and Raph would have been the doppelganger, if it were the case.

They understood and acknowledged each other so easily, so clearly and so well, sometime with no words spoken, just like Sensei and I do, it made me wonder if they were from the same cluster, or if they shared a single or both parents. Raph always understood when Mike was down or in need of a kind, comforting presence, and Mike knows when Raph is upset, and in need to get his mind off things.

"He looks so peaceful." Mike finally murmured, calming down, half curled on my lap.

I smiled faintly, still caressing his head, "I know."

"There was no pain," he then added, a tiny smile curling on his lips, "it was quick and simple."

"I know." I breathed once more, smiling a bit, glad to hear that he is acknowledging the fact, that our brother is gone.

Mike lay still, resting quietly on my legs, slowly, he started drifting into sleep, "I'll miss him." he then whispered, slipping into dreamland.

I sat still, caressing his cool, wet cheeks, and smiled as a tiny smile spread wider on his lips.

Don sighed, after the long, prolonged silence, he looked at me, a sad smile on his face, "He had left for a better place, right?"

I nodded, "Yes, a place where there is no more pain." I whispered, and then swallowed, "I'll miss him."

"I'll miss him, too." Don smiled faintly, finally withdrawing his hand as more silent tears trickled down.

About that moment, Sensei approached us, no words said, and the four of us huddled closer to Raph's body. Sensei placed his hand on Raph's head, caressing the skin gently, smiling, and I knew he was saying his last goodbye. I knew Sensei didn't want to say goodbye, not until he knew the rest of us accepted the fact that our brother is gone, and I understood his reasons.

Raphael is gone, physically, but mentally, he's still here with us, in this very room!

I can feel him, and I know he's here!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: one more chapter to go people, review please!


	6. THE END

Chapter Six: -The End-

-------------

It had been a month, since Raphael passed away.

Casey and April were devastated, they openly mourned his loss.

I remember that day clearly. Don and Mike worked on making a coffin that would fit his size and not jam the shell, while Sensei and I repaired a few other items, like incense and various flowers, Sensei said that would be most appropriate to place for our brother.

When we buried him, there were no tears, besides April's, there was just silence.

I knew Casey and Raph had shared a lot of things together, especially character-wise being so in common and the like; Casey was very and visibly upset, if not madly furious, but only under April's coaxing and soothing, did he calm down a few notches, even if that didn't spare the late night thugs much of a chance, to escape his brutal wrath.

He wanted to avenge Raph's death, I understood that much of his character, and no matter how my brothers and I tried to reason, that Raph's death was painless, Casey didn't accept the loss, he only got worse.

April, on the other hand, spent more time with Mike and Don, mothering them, talking and hugging, and sharing the tiny tidbits, that she and Raph shared in secret, along with Casey, of course. Sensei was put to ease, seeing that April had not been driven mad at our brother's sudden loss, unlike Casey, who had popped a vain and went into a bloody, thug-bashing rampage.

The funeral, that we made for him a month ago, was small and humble, more a family gathering, really.

We buried Raph in the far, secret area of the pumping station's field, it was almost like a park, but had obviously been neglected and abandoned for a very long time, having weeds and shrubs growing all over the place, we trimmed them and cleared out an area, the spot Sensei choice to bury Raph in. We decided that it will be our family's cemetery, as to keep it privet and away from preying eyes.

Mike had placed a huge, blue-green marble stone he had salvaged from the Elentian lair, he and Don had carved expertly, engraving Raph's name and birth-death date; or more like Mike chiseled the stone with one of Don's dear screwdrivers, and Donny was not impressed.

We buried him in a small, yet open area, surrounded by giant, branch-tangled trees, leaving patches of light and shadow on the richly grassy field, Sensei even composed a small, yet elegant stone garden, and Don and Mike placed the engraved slab of stone where we had buried him. April cried again, burying her face in Don's neck, seeing Casey was off beating punks into a bloody heap at the time.

When Casey arrived, an hour late on the funeral, he was all bloody, but collapse and sobbed at Raph's grave. When I went the next early morning, a day after we buried him, wanting to talk to Raph's headstone, I found Casey there, sleeping with tears fresh in his eyes. They were soul twins indeed, and I appreciated Casey's friendship even more, at that moment.

It meant so much to me, yet it pained me, to see the vigilant so broken.

April and Sensei talked to Casey, for the next few days, and slowly, I saw that he was coming around to his loving, clumsy and compassionate self, much to April's pleasure, and mine.

An angry Casey is a rash Casey, and I'd hate to lose my brother's soul twin to his anger like this.

Every few days, one or two, or even all of us would gather at Raph's grave, and we'd talk, a sense of belonging would set upon me when I talk to his headstone, I don't know why, it's almost as if his ghost perches on the headstone and smile gently, looking at me, listening. I'd even come alone sometimes, I'd talk to him, about my fears, the things I dare not say, the things I wanted to say!

It was a real load off my chest, and I found comfort in it.

To me, it meant that Raph wasn't gone, it's just that he's invisible, I just can't see him anymore, but still, all the while he's still here; watching over us, protecting us and being our beloved, compassionate brother, from far, far away.

But- you know something?

About two weeks later, a month and two weeks after Raph's death, I was out alone on patrol, jumping rooftops, separated from Don and Mike, seeing they were patrolling elsewhere, and I came across a couple who were being bullied by thugs.

Of course, disgusted and annoyed at the amateur thug-wannabes, I jumped in, as silent as my shadows, and beat the crap out of them, firstly because they were picking on a pair that had no mean of protecting themselves, not to mention a child in the mothers arms, and secondly, they were Purple Dragon rejects, and thirdly, the last but not least, and more offensively, one of them called me a freak.

Raph hated that, being called a freak, it ignited a spark, reviving a dying flame in my chest.

Once the thugs were taken care of, I turned to the couple.

They were Mexican, and oddly, hey didn't seem too scared of my appearance.

The child, a girl with a tuft of short, curly red hair and beautiful hazel eyes squealed, giggling, barley more than four months old, cradled in a nice, warm cradle in her mothers arms, she reached her chubby, short, baby arms to me, her fingers curling and uncurling, trying to grasp me, or reach for a touch, an innocent, happy twinkle shined in her eyes, almost as if she knew me, or if she were familiar with my-

I froze with the sudden sense of realization.

Swallowing a moist, slippery knot in my dry throat, I looked at the pair, with their rough, messy yet nice hair, their black and brown eyes, tanned skin, and comparing them with the child-

It was her, the little orphan child, Grace.

For a moment, I felt a touch in the back of my neck, like the cool tip of a wet finger, it teasingly slid down a little, then back up my neck, and somewhat-cupped my cheek, before flowing past me and disappearing, and I faintly shivered, it wasn't uncomfortable, it was- quite pleasant.

I smiled, a renewed sense of relief washed over me, and the couple just looked at me, startled, but not scared. They spoke to me, but I didn't understand their language, I just smiled, gave Grace a pat on the head and then smiled at the mother, and oddly, she weren't scared, she replied with a faint, wry smile, as if she were almost familiar with me, so I just bowed my head and disappeared.

Watching them slowly scramble out of the alleyway and to someplace safe, I recognized they were muttering something, about a guardian angle and giant turtles, and that they were being protected, and I smiled.

I felt him there, the touch, lingering over me, like hands resting gently on my shoulders, squeezing faintly like the softest breeze, a touch so faint, I don't even notice it's there until it's gone.

"I love you, Raph." I whispered to the late night wind, eyes closed, tears gathering, but not enough to slip out, "And I miss you."

'_Me too…_'

When the teardrop thickened enough and slid down my face, I felt no remorse, I smiled.

My brother might have left us, his brothers and father, but now, he was someone else's guardian angle.

Such a fitting, understandable, happy ending.

I liked it, and I couldn't have wished him a better end, to have been any happier.

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**-END-**

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A/N: it's super short, I know, sorry, but I figured this part would be better if it were in a separate chapter. Anyway, if that ending crashed the sap scale, feel free to shoot me! It's funny though, a '_happy ending_' for a '_death fic_'? man I'm weird…


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